and I've actually had to turn the heat on in the morning so my babies don't freeze their little tootsies when they wake up and start terrorizing my house and eachother. It's so crazy how quickly the weather and the mood around here has changed. It seems like just last week, oh wait it was last week, the thermometer was reading in the 80s+ and this week it's barely getting to 70, or at least it feels that way. All I know is that this is the first week since about April that I've left the AC off because we didn't need it on anymore.
Anyways, this last month I have really been taking a look at myself and I've found several areas that I would like to improve on, so I've been going about doing research and finding ways of getting where I want to be. When Jeff and I got married, I think I was in the best shape of my life, I'd spent the entire summer before hand doing alot to keep myself in shape and looking good. Even when I went to BYU-I for a semester, I was going to the gym about 3 days a week, so I felt really good about myself and was happy with how I looked and felt. Now after having had 2 kids, I'm ashamed of how far I let myself go. I gained the recommended amount both times, but my falling back was not keeping active before and after I had Jackson. I have a million excuses as to why, but it all comes down to lazyness and I was probably a little depressed. I didn't get post partum depression, but where we were living wasn't condusive to a happy state of mind for me. We were sharing a house with Jeff's brother and family and we were living in the basement where there was little natural lighting(which I tend to be depressed without) so it felt more like a cave than a home. I wasn't working and we didn't really live in town, so we didn't have many neighbors. There was a park about a mile away, but I didn't feel like walking through all the construction that was going on(they were putting in some new developments) and up the hill on the way home. I think I took that walk maybe 2 times and I felt like it wasn't worth the effort. Again, excueses. While I was pregnant with Owen, I didn't have the luxury of having all the time in the world to waste on the computer and in front of the boob tube like I did with Jackson, because I had a very active 18 month old. I think having Jackson around was the only reason I didn't gain 50lbs with Owen, but as I've heard it usually goes, losing weight now seems much harder than it was 2 years ago. With Jackson, it felt like the weight melted off and by the time he was about 8 months old, I'd lost almost all the weight, without doing anything but breastfeeding. Of course, as soon as I stopped, I gained about 15-20 of it back and didn't lose it again before Owen decided to come along. Now 7 months after having Owen, I rarely step on the scale, but when I do the numbers are always the same, telling me the only weight I've lost was the weight that came off in the month after he was born, mostly water and blood and only about half the weight I gained. It's depressing, but at least this time I am living in town and have plently of natural light to keep me happy, but even so I don't feel good about myself. I look at other moms who have had babies within the last year and envy them for their ability to get so slim so fast. I've never had a problem with my weight before and even now I know I'm not huge, but not being able to fit in my jeans and having a constant muffin top because of it makes me feel worse. Not having the money to buy clothes that fit just piles more onto the already heaping pile of guilt and self pity. You'd think that chasing after a 2 year old and hauling around a 20lb 7 month old everywhere would be enough, but apearantly not, so I've made a resolution to myself that by the time I am ready to become pregnant again, I want to be happy with the way I look and the way I feel. I love working out and I always have, but I'm not one to go at it alone so I haven't done it for the last 3 1/2 years. I know, I'm a slacker. If I've got a DVD, I'm ok and can handle the alone part because it doesn't really feel like I'm alone, though the DVD's I own have just been gathering dust since I bought them. I am changing that habit right now. I don't have many friends here and I don't have the money to go to a gym or pay for a sitter, so I've decided that I'm going to work out here at home. I've been doing yoga every morning for the last week and a half and already I'm feeling quite a bit better about myself. Now, I'm also not one to get up at the buttcrack of dawn to do my working out or waiting until the boys are in bed either, I much prefer the light of day(window shades tightly closed) and to sleep as late as the boys will let me, so I get breakfast done and get the boys dressed and spend an hour(usually more because I have boys who like mommy's full attention) with my yoga DVD. It gets my whole body warmed up and stretched out and I feel like I can tackle the day without the need for full football pads. I want to get in more than just yoga, so I've been looking for either a cheap DVD(or DVD series) that has workouts for the seperate areas(upper body, lower body, abs, ect.) or online workouts that I can do while the boys are napping. I've discussed this with Jeff, but so far he hasn't been as enthusiastic as I am and hasn't ok'ed either one yet. I've been sneaking in the online ones though because I feel the need to do something, but he told me that if I did that too much it would put us over out internet usage limit. It's so frustrating because he doesn't understand why I feel like I need to do this. He thinks I'm more worried about how other people veiw me, and that is part of it, but most of it is that I don't feel pretty anymore. He doesn't notice me and look at me the way he did even just 2 years ago. I'll get all dressed up and do my hair and makeup and he won't even notice. I can't tell you how many times I've cried myself to sleep or just prayed that he would. He's come home from work a couple times and mentioned when someone he works with was looking really nice. Even his sisters will get compliments on a new shirt or hairstyle, so why can't I get the same reaction? I've talked to him about it and he says it's not enough of a difference for him to notice, even though I'll spend hours(that I really don't have) in the bathroom trying to look perfect. I've contemplated giving up, but I feel like that would mean giving up on caring about anything and I'm not going to do that. I don't want to be that mommy that just doesn't care anymore. I want to look nice and I want my husband to notice it. If any of you have any tips, please pass them on. I want to take a before picture so I can see how much I've changed by the time I'm done, but I'm afraid of how I look. We don't have a full length mirror, so I only ever see the top half in the mirror and when I look down I can sorta see how the bottom half looks and I'm afraid of seeing the whole veiw. Also, I don't savor the idea of asking Jeff to help me take the picture for fear of him teasing my sillyness. I know I said I want to lose the weight by the time I'm ready for baby #3, but what I really want is to be able to fit into the swimsuit I bought last summer and only wore once because I planned on losing more weight but got pregnant instead. Funny how that tends to happen. Anyways, for those of you who actually read my ranting to the end, I thank you. Since I don't have many friends here and the friends I do have are either single or live too far away, it's nice to know there is someone out there who will listen. Wish me luck on my journey and feel free to send me any tips or advice you have. Until next time...
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